Friday, August 26, 2005
Look Who's at BK!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Charades
Friday, August 12, 2005
Being Six Again
To Whom It May Concern:
Re: My Resignation as an Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolours in art.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colours, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in my youth... I matured and I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.
I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and if they were lucky enough to return, often found themselves living on the streets...begging for their next meal.
I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!! What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.
I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
I want to be six again.
Author Unknown
Radio Contest
This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions,ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter) Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for, Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh... alright... Up the arse!
Radio Silence.
Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Analogies and Metaphors
These excerpts are supposed to be Analogies and Metaphors found in real high school essays. I have no idea if they are for real, but they are funny to read, nonetheless.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Mikey's Thots For The Day
• 43% of all statistics are useless.
• A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
• A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
• A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
• A smooth sea never made a skilful sailor.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• Don't question authority. It hasn't got a clue!
• Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
• Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you're too old to get a job.
• Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
• He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
• He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
• I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime next door complained.
• I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
• I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
• I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• Who are these people that have the time to figure out how many of ANYTHING placed end-to-end would circle the planet?
• Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats."
• "Write a wise saying and your name will live forever." – Anonymous
• Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
The Female Dictionary
The secret language of women.
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
WHATEVER
This is an invitation to argue. This means that the woman has much, much more to say on the matter and you must initiate more conversation or it will bite you in the butt so hard later you won't be able to sit for a week and half.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Pacing around or hovering over the woman while waiting is unacceptable, just put on the TV but don't get too into a show because when she is ready you must be ready immediately.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards! "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Whatever" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Whatever."
GO AHEAD...
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint...! Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Lessons From Being Older
As I’ve matured, I’ve learned:
• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
• We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
• No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
• Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• You should not confuse your career / job with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
• 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
• Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
Tickle Me Elmo!
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy "laughs" when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
At 0845 that day, the Foreman from the assembly line begins to complain about the new employee to the Plant Manager. He said that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Plant Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of bright red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Plant Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You
How do you know if your boss is actually spying on you? Here are a few starters that might be of help:
• Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.
• The bracelet he gave you for Christmas blinks if you leave your work station/ cubicle.
• Your name: "Ivan." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Ivan"
• Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.
• When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.
• There seem to be a blinking red light inside the smoke detector.
• The fax machine just coughed.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Shit Happens, According to Various World Religions
Warning: the following joke is not suitable for people who cannot laugh at anything religious.
Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens"
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit
Dilbert Quotes Contest
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.
Here are the top ten finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)
Would Just Like to...
...acknowledge mrbrown’s site, which is where I have taken a lot of this material from. The man has miraculously compiled an astonishing list of really good stuff. Do give his blog a visit.
